Although the words "courtship" and "dating" are not found in the Bible, we are given some principles that Christians are to go by during the time before marriage.  The first thing to realize is that we must separate from the world's view on dating because God's way contradicts the world's (2 Peter 2:20).  We are told (by society) to date around as much as we want, going through as many people as possible.  Instead, we should discover what kind of person we are getting into a relationship with before making that commitment.  We should find out if the person has been born again in the Spirit of Christ (John 3:3-8), and if they share the same desire to be as Christ was (Philippians 2:5).  Why is this important in finding a partner?  A Christian person should be careful not to marry an unbeliever (2Corinthians 6:14-15) because this could weaken your relationship with Christ, or compromise your morals and standards.

When one is in a committed relationship with someone, it is important to remember to love the Lord above anyone else (Matthew 10:37).  To say or believe that the other person is your "everything" or the most important thing in your life is idolatry, which is a sin (Galatians 5:20, Colossians 3:5).  Also, do not defile your body by having pre-marital sex (1 Corinthians 6:9, 13,  2 Timothy 2:22).  Sexual immorality is a sin not only against God but against your own body (1 Corinthians 6:18).  It is important to love and honor others as you love yourself (Romans 12:9-10), and this is certainly true for a courtship or marriage relationship as well.  Following these biblical principles is the best way to have a secure foundation for a marriage.  It is one of the most important decisions you will ever make because when two people marry, they cleave to one another and become one flesh..

Understand that God designed marriage to provide the right context for sex. Next, get rid of messages in your mind that say sex is bad. We should not teach that sex is bad. We should teach that it is sinful outside of marriage. Attraction and the desire for pleasure are normal, not evil. Solomon’s Song of Songs gives us some direction here. Before the couple marries, we read of their passionate feelings. Yet we also read this in 3:5 of the Amplified Bible:

“I adjure you, 0 daughters of Jerusalem, By the gazelles or by the hinds of the field, That you will not arouse or awaken love until it pleases.”

Feelings of physical passion are good. God put them there. But as was true three thousand years ago when God inspired Solomon with these words, you don’t go to bed with your dating partner or your wife-to-be. Sex has boundaries. Four times in Solomon’s book we read, “Don’t arouse love until it pleases.” The word “arouse” means a violent awakening. Both man and woman must take responsibility for stopping. It’s neither “her job” nor “his job” to apply the brakes; they’re both responsible for holding the line. Yet after the wedding, Solomon records that God tells them to “drink and imbibe deeply.”

In courtship, it’s expected that they will wait. But once married, it is expected that they will not wait. The poet seems to be indicating that this is the voice of God Himself — the silent observer, designer and blesser of their physical love. God pronounces His full approval on everything that has taken place, encouraging them to drink deeply of His gift. He created us — designed us — as sexual creatures. He has revealed the “rules” for our benefit and in our best interest. Sin often is a consequence of indulging a natural, normal desire in the wrong way, place or time.

Marriage involves developing sexual intimacy. Developing implies a process — a progression. Through understanding, practice, applying knowledge, growing in unity, maturing in love, abounding in tenderness and kindness, your unique physical love language will develop over time. Your first encounters do not have to be your best; you will probably find yourselves fumbling and groping. Yet these experiences are precious, and they are where you begin. Song of Solomon also appears to indicate that, over time, lovers gain more boldness and deeper intimacy. During courtship, the future bride says this in 1:6 about herself:

“Do not stare at me because I am swarthy,
For the sun has burned me.”

The highest place of beauty on a Middle Eastern woman was her skin. They wore veils in the sun to keep their skin light. So she views herself as “deficient” compared to the standard of beauty in her culture. Yet after they have been married, she says this in 2:1:

“I am the rose of Sharon,
The lily of the valleys."

Isn’t it interesting how her view of herself has changed? Earlier, she was self-conscious: “Don’t stare at me." Now her self-image has risen because she sees herself as he sees her. Through time, intimacy can grow and you will become more skilled at giving and receiving pleasure together.

Is it okay to date outside your faith? Couldn’t this be a chance to witness?

It is true that friendships provide the best opportunities for sharing the good news. But dating relationships have at least the possibility of marriage in view. It makes sense, then, that a relationship like this can be safely entered into only with someone you think would make a good life partner.

An understanding of God’s design for the marriage relationship helps us to see why the Bible places a high value on shared faith between marriage partners. In Eden, God created Eve from Adam’s own flesh and brought the two together in the “one-flesh” union of marriage. They were to be “one”--physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.

In the first-century church in Corinth there were those whose spouses were not yet believers. There were also single people who had yet to make a decision about who they would marry. The apostle Paul counseled these singles not to be “yoked together with unbelievers.” Paul does not tell us exactly what concerned him about such marriages. Likely he saw the potential for the Christian partner to lose ground spiritually and for the marriage bond to be weakened by the absence of a shared faith. Clearly, in Paul’s mind, the risks of linking one’s life with someone who does not share your faith are greater than any potential for good.

You may want to read the following passages from the Bible as you think about this issue some more: Genesis 2:26, 27; 1 Corinthians 7:13-20; 2 Corinthians 6:14-18.

We know that abstinence before marriage is the best answer when it comes to sex, but what about holding hands or kissing in a dating relationship? What are the biblical guidelines for dating relationships?

God has good reasons for reserving a sexual relationship for marriage. Sex is about the mutual opening of two persons to one another--physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. Outside the lifelong commitment of marriage, a sexual relationship runs too deep for safety. The potential for devastating pain and long-term damage to a person’s ability to form intimate relationships is too great to take the risk.

God’s plan for the development of a relationship is probably most fully outlined in the Song of Solomon where the love story of a king (Solomon) and his bride (Shulamith) unfolds. Three times (in chapters 2:6, 7; 3:5; 8:3,4) Shulamith describes the couple’s married lovemaking leading up to sexual intercourse and then counsels her friends, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Scholars indicate that the language of this verse in Hebrew can be understood to mean “Do not awaken this kind of love until it’s time.” It’s as though Shulamith intuitively understands that this kind of love is safe only with a marriage partner.

God put the Song of Solomon in the Bible because He wants couples to enjoy everything good that He had in mind when He created male and female and brought them together in marriage. God never withholds anything good from us. Staying on God’s timetable for sexuality provides for maximum pleasure. Biblically, that clearly means reserving sexual intercourse and the intimate touching that is part of the sexual experience for marriage.

It’s safe to say that any behavior that propels a couple toward sexual intercourse is “too far” for that couple. For some, even kissing and holding hands may be too stimulating for them to engage in if they want to maintain their decision to be sexually abstinent before marriage.

The good news is that God has provided more than enough to enjoy in the experience of growing together in love toward marriage. Hear the testimony of long-married couples: You can listen and talk and hold hands for 50 years with the same partner and still find pleasure! Take time to read Solomon and Shulamith on what God wants courtship and marriage to be like for you.

If you have already gone “too far” in a dating relationship, why stop?

It can be quite discouraging to have violated your values, and it’s natural to wonder whether you have passed the point of no return. The good news is that God loved us while we were still sinners. He saved us and made our lives full again in Jesus Christ. We have only to hold out our hands to receive His gift. It is never too late to make better decisions and to enjoy the benefits of living by the values of His kingdom. 

The best reason for stopping now is that God’s word is clear that a sexual relationship is reserved for marriage. God never withholds anything good from His children. He was the designer of the process by which a man and a woman are attracted to one another. He planned for important things to happen during the courtship period, such as the development of friendship, the deepening of communication, the building of trust, and the acceptance of one another as less-than-perfect human beings.

Premature sexual activity frequently puts a near end to further growth in the relationship. To disregard God’s word is also to risk living apart from the protection of His plan for sexuality. And there can be heavy consequences, such as long-term emotional distress, and a reduced ability to form and maintain a permanent bond with a marriage partner.

God longs for you to give His grace a chance to bring healing in your life. Despite the fact that you have made mistakes, our God is a God of new beginnings. He wants to bury your mistakes in the depths of the sea. There may be some consequences to your choices that He cannot remove, but He wants you to know the peace of letting Jesus be the Lord of your life. He wants you to experience the positive results of making better choices. Turning around in your tracks is what conversion is all about. Nothing but good ever comes from it.